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Post by madman on Jul 21, 2007 8:39:14 GMT -5
Presidential candidates,
Hillary Clinton,
Barack Obama,
and John Edwards
were flying to a convention.
Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,
"Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."
If you're one of those 156 million forward this!
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Post by madman on Jun 30, 2007 14:40:23 GMT -5
Subject: Funny Ads
Check out these real ads that were placed in papers - funny! FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES... Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out a while. Better be a reward. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby. GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents lb. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie. AND THE BEST ONE : FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, got married last month. Husband knows everything!
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Post by madman on Jun 5, 2007 18:49:17 GMT -5
THE FIREMAN
In Phoenix , Arizona, a 26-year-old mother stared down at her 6 year old son, who was dying of terminal leukemia. Although her heart was filled with sadness, she also had a strong feeling of determination. Like any parent, she wanted her son to grow up and fulfill all his dreams. Now that was no longer possible.. The leukemia would see to that. But she still wanted her son's dreams to come true. She took her son's hand and asked, "Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted to be once you grew up? Did you ever dream and wish what you would do with your life?" Mommy, "I always wanted to be a fireman when I grew up." Mom smiled back and said, "Let's see if we can make your wish come true." Later that day she went to her local fire department in Phoenix , Arizona, where she met Fireman Bob, who had a heart as big as Phoenix .. She explained her son's final wish and asked if it might be possible to give her six-year-old son a ride around the block on a fire engine. Fireman Bob said, "Look, we can do better than that. If you'll have your son ready at seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make h im an honorary fireman for the whole day. He can come down to the fire station, eat with us, go out on all the fire calls, the whole nine yards! And if you'll give us ! his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform for him, with a real fire hat-not a toy one-with the emblem of the Phoenix Fire Department on it, a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots. They're all manufactured right here in Phoenix , so we can get them fast." Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy, dressed him in his fire uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck. Billy got to sit on the back of the truck and help steer it back to the fire station. He was in heaven. There were three fire calls in Phoenix that day and Billy got to go out on all three calls. He rode in the different fire engines, the paramedic's van, and even the fire chief's car. He was also videotaped for the local news program. Having his dream come true, with all the love and attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible. One night all of his vital signs began to drop dramatically and the head nurse, who believed in the hospice concept that no one should die alone, began to call the family members to the hospital. Then she remembered the day Billy had spent as a fireman, so she called the Fire Chief and asked if it would be possible to send a fireman in uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he made his transition. The chief replied, "We can do better than that We'll be there in five minutes. Will you please do me a favor? When you hear the sirens screaming and see the lights flashing, will you announce over the PA system that there is not a fire? It's just the fire department coming to see one of its finest members one more time. And will you open the window to his room? About five minutes later a hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital and extended its ladder up to Billy's third floor open window 16 firefighters climbed up the ladder into Billy's room. With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they loved him With his dying breath, Billy looked up at the fire chief and said,
"Chief, am I really a fireman now?"
Billy, you are, and the Head Chief, Jesus, is holding your hand," the chief said. With those words, Billy smiled and said,
"I know, He's been holding my hand all day, and the angels have been singing.." He closed his eyes one last time.
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Post by madman on May 24, 2007 21:54:39 GMT -5
FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set 2. A day without sunshine is, like, night 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. 9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 10. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 11. Remember half the people you know are below average. 12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? 13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool. 14. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation. 15. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. 20. I intend to live forever - so far so good. 21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back. 22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. 27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. 28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. 32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks 33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. 34. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. 37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. 38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. 39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. 41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. 42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 43. Two wrongs are only the beginning. 44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. 46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines. 48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade! 49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. 50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it! 51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand... 53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. 54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you
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Post by madman on Jun 30, 2007 14:10:48 GMT -5
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger? No, she white.
In exasperation the lawyer asks : Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? I got proof.
What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover."
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Post by madman on Apr 19, 2007 3:12:17 GMT -5
The Farmer and the Boy
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the pups. And set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of little boy. "Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of chang and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?" "Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.
The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence,the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up..
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers.
In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands." With tears in his eyes, farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully handed it to the little boy. "How much?" asked the little boy. "No charge," answered the farmer,
"There's no charge for love."
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Post by madman on Apr 8, 2007 15:03:17 GMT -5
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
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Post by madman on Mar 25, 2007 0:22:36 GMT -5
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
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Post by madman on Mar 8, 2007 4:23:36 GMT -5
This one is for the ladies
The other day, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek! Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again. My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? Then the marketer in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home. . .
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Post by madman on Mar 8, 2007 4:21:10 GMT -5
This story is suposed to be true...kinda sad but amusing at the same time.
Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully-clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast - some 20 miles away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire.
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Post by madman on Mar 8, 2007 4:17:23 GMT -5
A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back complaining that the radio wasn't working. "Madam", said the sales maneger, "the audio system in this car is completly automated. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to and you will hear exactly that!" She drives out , somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson". The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" Soon she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the road again". The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it. Stopped at an intersection, her light turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sports utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision. "Asshole.....", she muttered. And from the radio..... "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States....
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Post by madman on Mar 8, 2007 4:11:19 GMT -5
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic -- anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?
They were M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. (What were you thinking?)
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Post by madman on Mar 8, 2007 4:08:39 GMT -5
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. She replied suggesting that her daughter wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to her neck. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your sexiest negligee, with a Vee neck right down to your navel." The man protested: "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.
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Post by madman on Mar 8, 2007 4:06:56 GMT -5
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
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Post by madman on Mar 8, 2007 4:05:51 GMT -5
When I was 12 or 13 my father had cable service added to the upstairs for myself and my siblings. The guy was able to install everything just fine, but when it came to hooking up the cable to the tv with a VCR, Nintendo, and Super Nintendo attached, the guy was clueless. He said he'd come back to it while he put the cable box in my sister's room. He came back not 5 minutes later to find me happily playing video games. He said "How did you do that?" My reply: I'm the kid. Never trust an adult to fiddle with electronics." And to think I almost worked for them years later...
ROFL THIS ONE IS SO ME!
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