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Post by madman on Mar 8, 2007 3:02:01 GMT -5
The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
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Post by madman on Mar 8, 2007 3:00:08 GMT -5
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
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4 sons
Mar 8, 2007 2:58:11 GMT -5
Post by madman on Mar 8, 2007 2:58:11 GMT -5
These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
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Bubba
Mar 8, 2007 2:51:14 GMT -5
Post by madman on Mar 8, 2007 2:51:14 GMT -5
There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Bubba says "Yes I do!" so Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" then Bubba says "Pick someone... and I know them!"
Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody else!"
This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"
And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Bubba says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!
Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out. Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that's a little more than I can take!
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Post by madman on Mar 8, 2007 2:43:13 GMT -5
A dad walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help. A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25-cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question: "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?" "Oh, good heavens no" the man replies, "I work for the IRS."
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Post by madman on Mar 8, 2007 2:38:28 GMT -5
Little Johnny Little Johnny was sitting one day on a dock. Along came a preacher and sat down beside him. Little Johnny had a mason jar full of what looked like water and he was turning it over and over, watching the bubbles float through it. The Preacher asked, "What are you doing with that water?" Little Johnny studied the contents of the jar for a moment, then explained, "Preacher, this here is turpentine. It's the strongest liquid in the world." The preacher replied, "Son, Holy water is the strongest liquid in the world. Did you know if you rub a little Holy water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a baby boy?" Little Johnny thought about this one for a minute, and then remarked, "Nope, this here turpentine is still the strongest because if you rub it on a cat's ass, it can pass a speeding car!"
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Post by madman on Mar 1, 2007 1:55:22 GMT -5
A rugged cowboy from Broke back Mountain, Wyoming goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going To beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw And says, "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and Asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."
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Post by madman on Mar 1, 2007 1:51:35 GMT -5
SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 85 movies, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. There are 239 movies on this list. Copy this list, go to your own facebook account, paste this as a note. Then, put x's next to the movies you've seen, add them up, change the header adding your number, and click post at the bottom. Have fun!
(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show (X) Grease (X) Pirates of the Caribbean (X) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest () Boondock Saints (X) Fight Club () Starsky and Hutch (X) Neverending Story (X) Blazing Saddles (X) Airplane Total: 8
(X) The Princess Bride () AnchorMan (x) Napoleon Dynamite (x) Labyrinth (x) Saw (x) Saw II () White Noise () White Oleander (x) Anger Management (x) 50 First Dates (x) The Princess Diaries (x) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement Total so far: 17
(X) Scream (X) Scream 2 (X) Scream 3 (X) Scary Movie (X) Scary Movie 2 (x) Scary Movie 3 (x) Scary Movie 4 (x) American Pie (X) American Pie 2 (x) American Wedding (x) American Pie Band Camp Total so far: 28
(x) Harry Potter 1 (x) Harry Potter 2 (x) Harry Potter 3 (x) Harry Potter 4 (x) Resident Evil 1 (x) Resident Evil 2 () The Wedding Singer () Little Black Book (x) The Village (x) Lilo & Stitch Total so far: 36
(x) Finding Nemo (x) Finding Neverland () Signs (x) The Grinch (x) Texas Chainsaw Massacre () Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (x) White Chicks (x) Butterfly Effect (x) 13 Going on 30 (x) I, Robot (x) Robots Total so far: 45
(x) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (x) Universal Soldier (x) Lemony Snickets: A Series Of Unfortunate Events (x) Along Came Polly (x) Deep Impact (x) KingPin () Never Been Kissed (X) Meet The Parents (x) Meet the Fockers (x) Eight Crazy Nights () Joe Dirt () KING KONG Total so far: 54
() A Cinderella Story () The Terminal () The Lizzie McGuire Movie () Passport to Paris (x) Dumb & Dumber (x) Dumber & Dumberer (x) Final Destination (x) Final Destination 2 (x) Final Destination 3 (x) Halloween (X) The Ring () The Ring 2 () Surviving X-MAS (x) Flubber Total so far: 62
(x) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle () Practical Magic ()Chicago (x)Ghost Ship (x) Hellboy () Secret Window (x) I Am Sam () The Whole Nine Yards () The Whole Ten Yards Total so far: 66
(x) The Day After Tomorrow (x) Child's Play () Seed of Chucky () Bride of Chucky () Ten Things I Hate About You (x) Just Married (x) Gothika (X) Nightmare on Elm Street (X) Sixteen Candles (x) Remember the Titans () Coach Carter (x) The Grudge () The Grudge 2 (X) The Mask (x) Son Of The Mask Total so far: 76
(X) Bad Boys (X) Bad Boys 2 (x) Joy Ride () Lucky Number Sleven (x) Ocean's Eleven () Ocean's Twelve () Bourne Identity () Bourne Supremecy () Lone Star () Bedazzled (x) Predator I () Predator II () The Fog (X) Ice Age () Ice Age 2: The Meltdown () Curious George Total so far: 82
(X) Independence Day (X) Cujo (x) A Bronx Tale (x) Darkness Falls (x) Christine (X) ET (x) Children of the Corn (x) My Bosses Daughter (x) Maid in Manhattan (x) War of the Worlds (the original, not the Tom Cruise one) (x) Rush Hour (x) Rush Hour 2 Total so far: 94
() Best Bet () How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (x) She's All That (x) Calendar Girls () Sideways (x)Mars Attacks (x) Event Horizon () Ever After (X) Wizard of Oz (X) Forrest Gump (x)Big Trouble in Little China (X) The Terminator (x) The Terminator 2 (x) The Terminator 3 Total so far: 104
(X) X-Men (x) X2 (x) X-3 (x) Spider-Man (x) Spider-Man 2 (x) Sky High (X) Jeepers Creepers (x) Jeepers Creepers 2 (x) Catch Me If You Can (x) The Little Mermaid (x) Freaky Friday (x) Reign of Fire () The Skulls () Cruel Intentions () Cruel Intentions 2 (x) The Hot Chick (X) Shrek (x) Shrek 2 Total so far: 119
(x) Swimfan (x) Miracle on 34th street (x)Old School () The Notebook () K-Pax (x) Krippendorf's Tribe (x) A Walk to Remember (x) Ice Castles () Boogeyman () The 40-year-old-virgin Total so far: 125
(X) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring (X) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers (x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King (x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark (x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade Total so far: 131
(x) Baseketball (x) Hostel () Waiting for Guffman (x) House of 1000 Corpses () Devils Rejects (x) Elf (x) Highlander () Mothman Prophecies (x) American History X () Three Total so Far: 137
() The Jacket (x) Kung Fu Hustle () Shaolin Soccer () Night Watch (X) Monsters Inc. (x) Titanic (x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail (x) Shaun Of the Dead (x) Willard Total so far: 143
() High Tension () Club Dread (x) Hulk (x) Dawn Of the Dead (X) Hook (x) Chronicle Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe (x) 28 days later () Orgazmo () Phantasm (x)Waterworld Total so far: 149
(x) Kill Bill vol 1 (x) Kill Bill vol 2 (x) Mortal Kombat () Wolf Creek () Kingdom of Heaven (x) the Hills Have Eyes () Borat (x) The Last House on the Left () Re-Animator (x) Army of Darkness Total so far: 155
(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace (x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones (x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith (x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope (x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back (x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi () ONE OF THE EWOK THINGS) Ewoks Caravan Of Courage () Ewoks The Battle For Endor Total so far: 161
(X) The Matrix (x) The Matrix Reloaded (x) The Matrix Revolutions () Animatrix (x) Evil Dead (x)Evil Dead 2 () Team America: World Police (x) Red Dragon (x) Silence of the Lambs (x) Hannibal Total so far: 169
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Post by madman on Mar 1, 2007 1:49:10 GMT -5
Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading >these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her >composure. > >PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE >EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS. IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC >ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW >TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY >CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS >BEEN LEFT IN. > >1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE >WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF. > >2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF >ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. > >3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING >THE NIGHT. > >4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE >WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS. > >5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE >DELILAH. > >6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. > >7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, >WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS > >8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP >TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. > >9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE. > >10.TH SVETH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. > >11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS >IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL. > >12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND >STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM. > >13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT >THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES. > >14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID'S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES. > >15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA. > >16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN >THE MANAGER. > >17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION. > >18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPD WATER ON HIS HEAD. > >19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE >THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE. > >20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE >TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE. > >21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS. > >22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES. > >23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN. > >24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS >ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE. > >25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
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Post by madman on Mar 1, 2007 1:47:44 GMT -5
1975: Long hair 2006 : Longing for hair
1975: KEG 2006: EKG
1975 : Acid rock 2006: Acid reflux
1975 : Moving to California because it's cool 2006 : Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1975 : Tryin to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2006: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1975 : Seeds and stems 2006: Roughage
1975 : Hoping for a BMW 2006: Hoping for a BM
1975 : Going to a new, hip joint 2006: Receiving a new hip joint
1975 : Rolling Stones 2006: Kidney Stones
1975 : Being called into the principal's office 2006 : Calling the principal's office
1975: Screw the system 2006: Upgrade the system
1975 : Disco 2006: Costco
1975 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2006: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1975: Passing the drivers' test 2006: Passing the vision test
1975 : Whatever 2006: Depends
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Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald 's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading...
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Post by madman on May 31, 2007 19:26:10 GMT -5
lol not level 200, 200 votes
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Post by madman on Feb 19, 2007 20:14:25 GMT -5
as do I
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Post by madman on Mar 8, 2007 10:51:47 GMT -5
Post any event ideas that you might have in this thread.
All suggestions will be read by staff, however just because they are in this section doesn't mean that they will become events. Suggestions that will become events will be approved by either Lil One or an Admin. Please be patient for staff do not always have time to read the forums everyday. Please allow at least a week for a response.
You may also post event prize suggestions here. Event prizes can not have attributes of any sort. However they can be blessed and hued. They may include clothing of any sort, excluding armor and weapons. Staff will decide on the best prizes to suit each event.
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Post by madman on Feb 19, 2007 20:01:07 GMT -5
Arina you should register your name =D
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Post by madman on Feb 16, 2007 10:46:25 GMT -5
entity orbs is a great concept BUT... they seem to be unsed and useless I sugest you just throw thoughs away...as for the tokens I personaly think the token ledger is a much better idea then putting them in the resource box's...but thats just me...good thought though...
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